“I often fall in love without there being any concrete act of love. I just fall into obsession.
 Into a  fantasy romanticized and essential for being.
 There is a possibility I might lose all sense of reality and get sucked into the fantasy I created for myself. 

It’s dark, you could be anyone. “

This performance is an escape. My escape that I confess to you. My  fantasy writing itself and coming true. It’s an attachment I have with  myself, presented as art. It’s about all the raves I sweat through just  to have pockets of freedom from deep sorrow. I made this for you, as an  attempt to open my heart and as an attempt to become a slut as well. I’m  looking for you in the dark, looking for connection, a community, a  home. I am an abandoned building, empty as an echo. Vulnerable, not  fragile, never breaking down, many nights alone. Empty and inflatable,  intimacy projected into air covered by plastic. It’s kitsch and tragic,  exhibiting the remains of my attachment wounds and failed love life. I  am an emotional exhibitionist, a slut for love. 

About looking for you

When I started looking for you I wrote a ten page text about becoming  a rave slut, about being reborn from a pool of slime, wonders and  hallucinations. I went to parties to live this text I wrote, I acted my  fantasy into 3D. The sky was cloudy all the time and the city blue, I  was obsessively looking for you. I ordered the pool, I made the slime  with water and potato starch. I found another inflatable object named as  a chair and I started making love with it in a studio that I rented  just for this. In another studio I was creating the sound to accompany  this love making. Sound that would pierce through pelvises and hearts,  sound that would feel like touching the ceiling of the abandoned  building.

The abandoned building that I felt like, so here you’ll be touching my hair or the top of my skull, from inside out, pretty intimate. I think I tried to be tough and contemporary, create a conventional art industry rave aesthetic with hard hitting simplicity dressed in deep bass and fast pace. I was exhausted so everything failed and I created something that could be thrown into an already slightly archeological electronic music category called IDM, intelligent dance music. I did feel very intelligent when producing 42 minutes of love making music, intelligent and empowered. I hope you like it. I hope it carries you into the void I have been feeling when trying to understand the attachments we need in order to survive. The timing, the rhythm, the core of all this love making is in my body. The trauma trapped in my fascia has been guiding me when I’ve been looking for you. I’ve cried so much that the pool I bought, to be reborn in, could be filled with my tears. I should’ve collected my tears into a container, it would have fit here in the exhibition as a remain, a relic. The exhibition part of this emotional awakening, anti-capitalist, anti-academic, queer, ( i’d like to say anti- artwork just to be ironic but that would be a rude lie) piece of me in relation to you is about remains and ruins. This piece is performance mainly and what you experience without my body being present is the mess I left behind. Mess is so beautiful, so tender, making love leaves a mess, no need to avoid touching the remains. They are fresh and not here to be preserved. Touch everything you see, touch me even though I’m somewhere far. I reach to you with this mess, I put my soul into it. During the act of looking for you in the dark I started being you. By looking within I started seeing, a bit like a bat, ultrasonic.

The performance, this rave slut character, stuck in a loop of escapism and fantasy, laying in bed in the afternoon trying to avoid the pain of the reality, so strong, so fast paced, a production of some teenage drama series living within me. A slut, a rat, a baby star, a phoenix, a witch and a fairy. I realized I just wanted to be protected. I wanted to allow myself to explore fragility, my own toxicity, my naivety and my anger, everything that I try to deny. This was a form of therapy for me and this performance is certainly like a diary. I believe in magic, so I wanted to occupy space for it. I declare a teenage rebellion against the white clean cube scene that I struggle to fit in. I appreciate the culture that happens outside of institutions way more than the culture that gets accepted by those who get attached to power and authority. The hierarchy should be dismantled, the monopoly, the competition. We can survive without this institutional structure but these institutional structures can not survive without us.These 30 square meters will harbor my resistance, this bare underground queer feminist impulse to do as I please.

I am always looking for you, so call me if you need me.